Freudian.

Sigmund Freud talks about the unconscious mind and all that psychoanalytical stuff which I have not the slightest clue. Just over the wkend, I came to realize how much underlying emotions were still buried within. For as much as I rmb or do not rmb in my drunken stupor, it felt like crap. It bugs me to no end when ppl leave me in suspense; it pisses me knowing that I'm denied what I should know. If I never ever know the grievances poured, I will never be able to come to terms with the unconscious other half. 

All these while, I have managed to convinced myself while sober that the past does not affect the present. What I failed to realized is how unhealthy the accumulation of suppressed emotions really is. Right now, confusion is all I know of. My life could jolly well have been all a lie, a big fat one at that.

Whether keeping up with this habit of mine or not, I really can't decide. B'cos nothing will change..(or so I think). Maybe I should never get this wasted again, so I wouldn't rmb how much of a wimp I actually am. 

And this old man is just up for visual sake, or my ocd state, simply b'cos I dont like words alone.

In Passing.

Life's mysterious aren't meant to be founded. 

"You may not understand why you're going thru' difficult times..

Don't try to figure it out.

Keep trusting God.

He knows how to bless you in expected ways."

Amen, & Amen!

Saturdate.

A girlies' day out is always gd :> 

+1.

Don't we all wonder what our future entails? Don't we worry abt everything under the sun, even the slightest issue..like what should I have for lunch.

I often catch myself wondering what lies ahead. I dream of myself as a crazy mother of ten chasing her kids, cutting their bowl heads , dressing them weird, teaching them ballet.. Then again, this shall and will always remain an unfulfilled dream. 

Delirium.

So many conflicting thoughts every single day, could possibly drive myself mad if I keep this up. On a happier key, I really like this newly acquired dino neckpiece keke I also know how to take #selfies.

Give.

So a friend posted on FB.. "Live life on your own terms. Never compromise and bend over backwards for people who don't appreciate you, or the things you do because all they'll see is how much more they can get - instead of how you're already giving more than they rightfully deserve." 

Of cos I am human and that's why I am not perfect.. 

The beauty of giving lies in its blessings. Blessings upon others. How much resent I must have if every giving must be return in due. Should doing so breed any unhappiness, don't give. I had a lot to say, but with each key I press on the keyboard, each thought took their leave and now I have nothing to say..

I haven't been myself lately and I don't like it. 

M.o.d.a

Bunch of crazy <3

+66

Scooted off for a breather with this new bunch for a couple of days. Definitely owe my sanity in school to them, of which without, I could possibly be quite a mess. 

Shopping was a terrible disappointment, and I could do with some food and coffee.

This was quite a turn on I must say!

Photo credits: Thompy

Now back, I'm itching to run away again. Alone, this time round. 

This need to shut from everyone else, stronger than ever before.

Thymesis.

Stop, before it consumes you.

Run, before it catches you.

Your fall, your doing.

Don't say we didn't warn.

Hi, Hello.

It's not that hard to be happy, is it?

Few.

<3

Tinted Sight.

                                   

Dear Friend,

Sure,

I don't wear your shoes

And,

You don't wear mine.

All,

I ever wanted was to be

To you a friend in needy times.

No,

Not the kind who fueled your pain

No,

Not then, not now, not later.

If,

Only you see

The beauty in ugly.

Letters to a Dear

Settling in

You should be almost done settling into your new hostel now - unpacking luggages, filling your wardrobe with clothes, arranging your desk...and basically settling down in attempts to make the strange, familiar. I hope you're doing ok over the other side. Back over on our side, emptiness would best sum up what home feels like now. Walking past your room, looking for clothes in your wardrobe, they've become just vacant spaces. 

You'll be back

Days leading up to your leaving, I obviously overestimated the ability to keep my emotions in tack. I was so certain I wouldn't even flinch when you step through the departure gates, cos comm'on, end Nov and you're back for summer break! Just a couple of months, how long can that be right? Not very, or so I thought. We didn't get to spend sisters' time tgt alone and 'twas ok, cos you'll be back. Even right till the night before you left, it was no biggie that you'll be away for a few months, I was thinking. 

Goodbye fo'real

Still pretty confident when we got to the airport, "4-5 months will be over in no time, I'm not gna cry. Ain't no drama queen~" Phailllll. As you bid everyone goodbye, those tear ducts started malfunctioning. Finally when 'twas my turn to hug you goodbye, we both burst. It finally hit me that this was goodbye furrealz (yeah just for a few months I know, this woman damn drama -.-). No more fights, no more jumping on you for piggyback, no more shopping trips.. I couldn't bring myself to peel away from your tight embrace.

One & Only

I still rmb, the night before your flight and daddy mentioned one of the reasons why they were open to having a second child (after me) was because I wasn't too much to handle. Of cos, they couldn't predict the tyrant I'd be in the years later (but too bad, out you pop already!!). Wouldn't want to imagine growing up alone; growing up with you has been nothing short of a blessing. We may not be the closest pair, we may not openly share our problems with each other, but one thing we do know is our love for each other. I was known as the quiet child and you telling me that I scolded some girl who bullied you in primary school till she cried cracks me up, I don't rmb being such. Your little gestures to make sure I'm ok every time I fall ill, beats any doctors.

They say you truly know how much something means to you when you lose them, I cannot agree more. Only a 10hr flight away from each other and that sucks so bad already.

I wish you well, and see you very soon!
Miss you, love you.

x3

Good company x Good times

The only thing I look forward to after a long day in school <3 

έλεος.

A wk on and I still cannot come to terms with my own hypocrisy. Might take another two or three wks, or maybe this guilt is here to stay. Imagine your bestfriend smacked in front of you, and you blatantly go on to deny knowing him/her at all. Sounds like a legit joke to crack? Maybe once or twice, yes. Do it each time someone asks abt your bestfriend, even the funniest joke wouldn't be funny anymore.

I have sinned and this disgust eats me.

Anyhows, ain't got nothing but thanks and praise for the last few wks, which has been nothing short of amazeballs ^^ First church camp in yrs, and absolutely no regrets!

^

Like a book unread, a story untold.

++

(Learning to be) Very contented with all I have.

2.45am

Tonight, just immersing myself in nothing but negative thoughts (as usual). It's been say, half a yr in the industry. Doubts and second-guesses floods (DUH!! How glamorous is jobless supposed to sound??). Enjoying this "job" (I don't think it even qualifies to be called a job but whateffz) VS survival instincts, it's a tough choice really. As much as I'm not willing to call it quits yet, I gta learn to wise up and be realistic don't I? Maybe a sugar daddy would allow me to dream a little longer, but yeah, KEEP dreaming Nat -.-

While it's definitely amazing to be blessed with a booker who seems to believe in me and that really is what kept me in the going this long, it's also not-so-amazing to be denied any opportunity (yet - as I'd like to believe).

And then there's also this constant struggle where I simply can't decipher what His will for me is. Is this an endurance test where my patience is tried, or is this His way of telling me "this is NOT His great plans for me"?

I'm lost. Directions would be very much appreciated, thank you.

The very same night, I do the usual one verse a night and tonight it reads "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." -Psalms 37:6-7

Though I might not fully grasp the second half of the verse, I hope I got the message right. Tell me if you think otherwise. Don't be selfish, karma bites (real hard, if I may add).

5/50

Today, le momsie turned 50. She insists she's 5 instead. Exactly 5 yrs old today, she and the father were victims of a cray accident which left the vehicle in a total wreck, never to be driven again. My relatives swang by as quickly as they could to rush us kids to the hospital and we happened to drive past the accident site. Everyone saw the state of the car and no one spoke a word. Yet, the same thought we had "Are they gna make it?"

Amen, both folks made it with considerably minor injuries. They could even joke that The One above knew these kids weren't ready to be left on our own, just yet. A second shot at life was presented to them, so yes, 5 they are today!

She asked herself what has she done in these 5 yrs. The One above could freely give her 5 yrs, and so can He freely take it away tmr. She didn't have a satisfactory answer for herself.

If I were to be banished from the face of this earth tmr, would I leave happy? It prolly wouldn't be safe to say so. I still have a whole list of so-called dreams of mine unfulfilled and I'm just thinking "Oh I'm not gna die tmr". (Ya like I'd know -.-) And right now as I type gibberish, panic strikes and what if I hit the grave even before I start on anything?? Am I gna wait till I'm given a second shot at life to realize it's getting late? What if I never made it to second chance?

While I get all pumped up with plans running thru my barely worked mind, I rmb again how tough it is bcos nothing seems to be going the way I'd have preferred it to..

84733.

Free time means thinking. Thinking means over-thinking. Over-thinking means Nat goes cray. Not sure if its some sort of hormonal change going on somewhere but these emotions are starting to get a little out of hand. And fear creeps up every single damned night (of late). It takes me hrs from the time my head hits the pillows before I can fall aslp. It's starting to scare me how I have to try so hard to fall aslp; I don't enjoy lying awake.

Now, where do I begin..

I promised 2013 will be good. I am a fighter (but really, I am tired).

-

I have an incurable disease.

Peas.

And so I've been trying to lose 'em humps and bumps but boyyyy, nothing's working. Gym sesh, swim dips, hot yoga, cutting down on snacks and fried food isn't working its magic, at all. I think turning 22 has taken its toil on me. Being old(er) is no fun.

With Cny in just a couple of days, doomed is thee. Woe to me!

This baby is all grown up now and imo, she makes a fantabulous modz~ Now that we're talking abt modeling, this father of mine has been very shameless recently. He couldn't make it any more obvious of his desires to be back in the scene as well; so of cos he was more spontaneous than ever when I had to take casting shots. Lo' and behold, this lucky man landed himself his first shoot after his first casting! And can I add, they pay really well also. Can only dream of that pay cheque~

January.

Almost a whole month into 2013 and all's looking gd so far. Sometimes greed overtakes and I forget how blessed I actually am. 

Turning 22 feels like 32, I feel older in every way.. 

I gave up on late nights, crazy parties with binge drinking and drunken follies. I no longer want to dress crazy; with preference for classy instead. Beauty bumps are spilling from all the right places, even my jeans are getting a lil too snug for comfort. Other than the third point, I think everything else has been gr8!

And Hokkaido was a beauty xx