2.45am

Tonight, just immersing myself in nothing but negative thoughts (as usual). It's been say, half a yr in the industry. Doubts and second-guesses floods (DUH!! How glamorous is jobless supposed to sound??). Enjoying this "job" (I don't think it even qualifies to be called a job but whateffz) VS survival instincts, it's a tough choice really. As much as I'm not willing to call it quits yet, I gta learn to wise up and be realistic don't I? Maybe a sugar daddy would allow me to dream a little longer, but yeah, KEEP dreaming Nat -.-

While it's definitely amazing to be blessed with a booker who seems to believe in me and that really is what kept me in the going this long, it's also not-so-amazing to be denied any opportunity (yet - as I'd like to believe).

And then there's also this constant struggle where I simply can't decipher what His will for me is. Is this an endurance test where my patience is tried, or is this His way of telling me "this is NOT His great plans for me"?

I'm lost. Directions would be very much appreciated, thank you.

The very same night, I do the usual one verse a night and tonight it reads "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." -Psalms 37:6-7

Though I might not fully grasp the second half of the verse, I hope I got the message right. Tell me if you think otherwise. Don't be selfish, karma bites (real hard, if I may add).