84733.

Free time means thinking. Thinking means over-thinking. Over-thinking means Nat goes cray. Not sure if its some sort of hormonal change going on somewhere but these emotions are starting to get a little out of hand. And fear creeps up every single damned night (of late). It takes me hrs from the time my head hits the pillows before I can fall aslp. It's starting to scare me how I have to try so hard to fall aslp; I don't enjoy lying awake.

Now, where do I begin..

I promised 2013 will be good. I am a fighter (but really, I am tired).

-

I have an incurable disease.

Peas.

And so I've been trying to lose 'em humps and bumps but boyyyy, nothing's working. Gym sesh, swim dips, hot yoga, cutting down on snacks and fried food isn't working its magic, at all. I think turning 22 has taken its toil on me. Being old(er) is no fun.

With Cny in just a couple of days, doomed is thee. Woe to me!

This baby is all grown up now and imo, she makes a fantabulous modz~ Now that we're talking abt modeling, this father of mine has been very shameless recently. He couldn't make it any more obvious of his desires to be back in the scene as well; so of cos he was more spontaneous than ever when I had to take casting shots. Lo' and behold, this lucky man landed himself his first shoot after his first casting! And can I add, they pay really well also. Can only dream of that pay cheque~

January.

Almost a whole month into 2013 and all's looking gd so far. Sometimes greed overtakes and I forget how blessed I actually am. 

Turning 22 feels like 32, I feel older in every way.. 

I gave up on late nights, crazy parties with binge drinking and drunken follies. I no longer want to dress crazy; with preference for classy instead. Beauty bumps are spilling from all the right places, even my jeans are getting a lil too snug for comfort. Other than the third point, I think everything else has been gr8!

And Hokkaido was a beauty xx

365.

IF like the Mayans said of the world to end on 21.12.2012, a very unhappy ghost she'll be. With not the slightest hint of accomplishment to name, 365 days would soon go by and be forgotten just as quickly.

Eventful, nonetheless. Lessons, and a few take-aways.

Take-away 1:
Vulnerability - She'd never show. (Her) weakness, no one will ever know, or at least she thinks so. Thinking acting tough would get her by, she fell. And hard did she fall. To get back up or rather, get back at, folly was all she played. She was high, she was fly. One too many mistakes, regrets in multiples.

So she's learnt, a little help would bid her well. Albeit the occasional uneasiness, all is swell. Even still, there is so much she hides within. Maybe 2013 (if we do get there) would have 'em spilled?

Take-away 2: 
Failures & Uncertainties - Aplenty this yr (and still figuring). So many challenges she stepped up to conquer, only to be hurled back down with no way out. They say with each door closed, you'll be one door closer to what has been destined. But with so many doors closed, her faith runs low.

This lil kitty was found soaked in a drain, too shaken to get out. We took him/her out to dry at a corner, meaning to bring papers and milk. When we got back, someone else had already cloth and a dish of water in its space.

"...Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:25-34

Not an easy task in a society like thine, but try she might.



Take-away 3:
Blood ties - The (almost) only real beings, I exaggerate a little (ok no, a lot). You don't hear proclamations of "I love yous", yet feel 'em oozing from every hair follicle. As much as it cracks the sister and I up each time you see the mother rushing to my side each time she hears a thud (I swear its the fastest you'd ever see her run), you really feel the worry and fear she carries with each stride. Each time I stand up to walk somewhere and then pause mid-steps in fear I'd faint in front of anybody and they go "See luh see luh, don't take your medicine". You know it's not the nagging at the tip of their tongues, the worry and concern is all I hear.

Away from their friends and families in Sg, these boys are all they've got before awkward small talks with potential friends in Ipoh (actually kids have it easier).





Not forgetting, I've my family in Christ to thank for so many reasons I cannot count. Clearly, I was quite a fool (still am I'd say).



All geared to start on a clean slate again, 2013 better come! Ha, I hope this burst of enthusiasm doesn't run as quickly as it came.

Anyhoos, I wonder if I'm bipolar. Terrible writing. Third person/first person??

Ref.

1) Spinning around unfamiliar spaces, bidding my boots farewell and an informal burial.

2) Watching my steps more than nature.

3) An excuse to dress. 

In a few hrs, I'll be scooting off to Ipoh, a second this yr. A little less excited than the first, or honestly, a lot less actually. Well, it's (just) different this round. 

*xfingersxtoes

XX.

Not the most yummerz chocxalmond croissant nor pecan pie, but definitely gd times over not-so-gd food. Could spend each raining day hideth in a quaint lil cafe, feasting, flipping mags, playing games on the iPad and squeezing that old flabby arm when we don't break the high score. And being sheltered right till the car door is closed behind me. A mother, and her love.

What else do I really need?
Nothing, in fact.

Yet, She wants more. 

Species.

Now that I'm down and out, with only "bummer" to my name, I get to spend more time le'favourite woman (forcefully nagging her to take me out). I've grown to be too dependent, attention-seeking, or downright shameless to cut the chase. Grunts when I am not in her plan, tomorrow. 

She gets on my nerves, no doubt. She'd argue otherwise, even more so. I say she's fat, she calls me ugly. Then again, who'd give in to my whines, fusses and make awkward poses just cos I demand a laugh. We bend over and ache from laughing at how silly she is, together. 

Now, what would I do without this woman?

Love,

Your Ugly Human.

Qualms.

Derailed, and wandering from there. Destination-bound, I am far from thee.