2.45am

Tonight, just immersing myself in nothing but negative thoughts (as usual). It's been say, half a yr in the industry. Doubts and second-guesses floods (DUH!! How glamorous is jobless supposed to sound??). Enjoying this "job" (I don't think it even qualifies to be called a job but whateffz) VS survival instincts, it's a tough choice really. As much as I'm not willing to call it quits yet, I gta learn to wise up and be realistic don't I? Maybe a sugar daddy would allow me to dream a little longer, but yeah, KEEP dreaming Nat -.-

While it's definitely amazing to be blessed with a booker who seems to believe in me and that really is what kept me in the going this long, it's also not-so-amazing to be denied any opportunity (yet - as I'd like to believe).

And then there's also this constant struggle where I simply can't decipher what His will for me is. Is this an endurance test where my patience is tried, or is this His way of telling me "this is NOT His great plans for me"?

I'm lost. Directions would be very much appreciated, thank you.

The very same night, I do the usual one verse a night and tonight it reads "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." -Psalms 37:6-7

Though I might not fully grasp the second half of the verse, I hope I got the message right. Tell me if you think otherwise. Don't be selfish, karma bites (real hard, if I may add).

5/50

Today, le momsie turned 50. She insists she's 5 instead. Exactly 5 yrs old today, she and the father were victims of a cray accident which left the vehicle in a total wreck, never to be driven again. My relatives swang by as quickly as they could to rush us kids to the hospital and we happened to drive past the accident site. Everyone saw the state of the car and no one spoke a word. Yet, the same thought we had "Are they gna make it?"

Amen, both folks made it with considerably minor injuries. They could even joke that The One above knew these kids weren't ready to be left on our own, just yet. A second shot at life was presented to them, so yes, 5 they are today!

She asked herself what has she done in these 5 yrs. The One above could freely give her 5 yrs, and so can He freely take it away tmr. She didn't have a satisfactory answer for herself.

If I were to be banished from the face of this earth tmr, would I leave happy? It prolly wouldn't be safe to say so. I still have a whole list of so-called dreams of mine unfulfilled and I'm just thinking "Oh I'm not gna die tmr". (Ya like I'd know -.-) And right now as I type gibberish, panic strikes and what if I hit the grave even before I start on anything?? Am I gna wait till I'm given a second shot at life to realize it's getting late? What if I never made it to second chance?

While I get all pumped up with plans running thru my barely worked mind, I rmb again how tough it is bcos nothing seems to be going the way I'd have preferred it to..