365.

IF like the Mayans said of the world to end on 21.12.2012, a very unhappy ghost she'll be. With not the slightest hint of accomplishment to name, 365 days would soon go by and be forgotten just as quickly.

Eventful, nonetheless. Lessons, and a few take-aways.

Take-away 1:
Vulnerability - She'd never show. (Her) weakness, no one will ever know, or at least she thinks so. Thinking acting tough would get her by, she fell. And hard did she fall. To get back up or rather, get back at, folly was all she played. She was high, she was fly. One too many mistakes, regrets in multiples.

So she's learnt, a little help would bid her well. Albeit the occasional uneasiness, all is swell. Even still, there is so much she hides within. Maybe 2013 (if we do get there) would have 'em spilled?

Take-away 2: 
Failures & Uncertainties - Aplenty this yr (and still figuring). So many challenges she stepped up to conquer, only to be hurled back down with no way out. They say with each door closed, you'll be one door closer to what has been destined. But with so many doors closed, her faith runs low.

This lil kitty was found soaked in a drain, too shaken to get out. We took him/her out to dry at a corner, meaning to bring papers and milk. When we got back, someone else had already cloth and a dish of water in its space.

"...Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:25-34

Not an easy task in a society like thine, but try she might.



Take-away 3:
Blood ties - The (almost) only real beings, I exaggerate a little (ok no, a lot). You don't hear proclamations of "I love yous", yet feel 'em oozing from every hair follicle. As much as it cracks the sister and I up each time you see the mother rushing to my side each time she hears a thud (I swear its the fastest you'd ever see her run), you really feel the worry and fear she carries with each stride. Each time I stand up to walk somewhere and then pause mid-steps in fear I'd faint in front of anybody and they go "See luh see luh, don't take your medicine". You know it's not the nagging at the tip of their tongues, the worry and concern is all I hear.

Away from their friends and families in Sg, these boys are all they've got before awkward small talks with potential friends in Ipoh (actually kids have it easier).





Not forgetting, I've my family in Christ to thank for so many reasons I cannot count. Clearly, I was quite a fool (still am I'd say).



All geared to start on a clean slate again, 2013 better come! Ha, I hope this burst of enthusiasm doesn't run as quickly as it came.

Anyhoos, I wonder if I'm bipolar. Terrible writing. Third person/first person??

Ref.

1) Spinning around unfamiliar spaces, bidding my boots farewell and an informal burial.

2) Watching my steps more than nature.

3) An excuse to dress. 

In a few hrs, I'll be scooting off to Ipoh, a second this yr. A little less excited than the first, or honestly, a lot less actually. Well, it's (just) different this round. 

*xfingersxtoes

XX.

Not the most yummerz chocxalmond croissant nor pecan pie, but definitely gd times over not-so-gd food. Could spend each raining day hideth in a quaint lil cafe, feasting, flipping mags, playing games on the iPad and squeezing that old flabby arm when we don't break the high score. And being sheltered right till the car door is closed behind me. A mother, and her love.

What else do I really need?
Nothing, in fact.

Yet, She wants more. 

Species.

Now that I'm down and out, with only "bummer" to my name, I get to spend more time le'favourite woman (forcefully nagging her to take me out). I've grown to be too dependent, attention-seeking, or downright shameless to cut the chase. Grunts when I am not in her plan, tomorrow. 

She gets on my nerves, no doubt. She'd argue otherwise, even more so. I say she's fat, she calls me ugly. Then again, who'd give in to my whines, fusses and make awkward poses just cos I demand a laugh. We bend over and ache from laughing at how silly she is, together. 

Now, what would I do without this woman?

Love,

Your Ugly Human.

Qualms.

Derailed, and wandering from there. Destination-bound, I am far from thee. 

Fide.

Hasn't been the easiest masking emotions. One min I'm so bent on feeling better with perseverance oozing from ever pore, and the next, I just wna shrink and wallow in self-pity. 

But...I shall, & I will be fine again.  

Vice.

Just a little more confused, than usual. 

Would you say it's greed to yearn to be successful in one way, to excel in another? Should I blame the society that morphed me, that whispered wealth is key. Or should I take it upon myself; that I am not content.

Is loneliness what I really prefer, or is the lack of people skills that forced my believe in solitude? 

Do I really miss you (maybe you even), or is it simply a case of attention craved? 

Confusion. Confusion. 

No, I can't really tell. 

bs.

Utterly unnecessary, wasted or not, I'm walking right out of that door. Through the gd and bad times, it's abt time I said enough. I could do without, really.

Irks me to no fking end. Take your shit elsewhere, and don't come close.

Double Trouble.

We fight, we hate, we practically drive each other up the wall..

But deep down, there's this chemistry no one would break. So much lovin' for this lil giant of mine..

Tips.

Drunken words, drunken stupor. Foolish ways. 

Caught.

In abt two wks, Ill be done with my internship with Two Queens and Idk if I should be happy. I rmb how when I first started, I was more than eager to be done. But right now, I can't say the same. 2.5 months in only and feels like I've known them forever. Its been more than a great flight with the Fly team ^.^

hehe my all-time favv picture! 

Tensed.

I'd love to have my plates cleared and filled again, only this time with the dishes I pick. Then again, maybe my tumz just isn't constructed for second servings.

I scare myself with the beast within.

Dazed.

Each day is a struggle, down in the dumps one min, and slightly better the next. In the presence of ppl, I try to look so fine, then when Im all alone I crumble so bad. I lose my appetite, I lose my focus, I lose myself along the way, while its just so damn hard on my side, they have it so easy on theirs, feasting like its the new yr's. What for make life so miserable for myself when no one else gives two hoots; I have no ans.

I try, I really do, but not hard enough it seems. Idk how long or if I'd even ever save myself from this rut; never have I felt this helpless. It fking hurts and I can't even lie abt being ok anymore. I question my sanity, but may it not be for long.

Humans, I will never fathom thee.

Trance.

Maybe if I kept myself busy all the time..

Mist

Just maybe.

Quaint.

The Quiet Within.

Change.