2.45am

Tonight, just immersing myself in nothing but negative thoughts (as usual). It's been say, half a yr in the industry. Doubts and second-guesses floods (DUH!! How glamorous is jobless supposed to sound??). Enjoying this "job" (I don't think it even qualifies to be called a job but whateffz) VS survival instincts, it's a tough choice really. As much as I'm not willing to call it quits yet, I gta learn to wise up and be realistic don't I? Maybe a sugar daddy would allow me to dream a little longer, but yeah, KEEP dreaming Nat -.-

While it's definitely amazing to be blessed with a booker who seems to believe in me and that really is what kept me in the going this long, it's also not-so-amazing to be denied any opportunity (yet - as I'd like to believe).

And then there's also this constant struggle where I simply can't decipher what His will for me is. Is this an endurance test where my patience is tried, or is this His way of telling me "this is NOT His great plans for me"?

I'm lost. Directions would be very much appreciated, thank you.

The very same night, I do the usual one verse a night and tonight it reads "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." -Psalms 37:6-7

Though I might not fully grasp the second half of the verse, I hope I got the message right. Tell me if you think otherwise. Don't be selfish, karma bites (real hard, if I may add).

5/50

Today, le momsie turned 50. She insists she's 5 instead. Exactly 5 yrs old today, she and the father were victims of a cray accident which left the vehicle in a total wreck, never to be driven again. My relatives swang by as quickly as they could to rush us kids to the hospital and we happened to drive past the accident site. Everyone saw the state of the car and no one spoke a word. Yet, the same thought we had "Are they gna make it?"

Amen, both folks made it with considerably minor injuries. They could even joke that The One above knew these kids weren't ready to be left on our own, just yet. A second shot at life was presented to them, so yes, 5 they are today!

She asked herself what has she done in these 5 yrs. The One above could freely give her 5 yrs, and so can He freely take it away tmr. She didn't have a satisfactory answer for herself.

If I were to be banished from the face of this earth tmr, would I leave happy? It prolly wouldn't be safe to say so. I still have a whole list of so-called dreams of mine unfulfilled and I'm just thinking "Oh I'm not gna die tmr". (Ya like I'd know -.-) And right now as I type gibberish, panic strikes and what if I hit the grave even before I start on anything?? Am I gna wait till I'm given a second shot at life to realize it's getting late? What if I never made it to second chance?

While I get all pumped up with plans running thru my barely worked mind, I rmb again how tough it is bcos nothing seems to be going the way I'd have preferred it to..

84733.

Free time means thinking. Thinking means over-thinking. Over-thinking means Nat goes cray. Not sure if its some sort of hormonal change going on somewhere but these emotions are starting to get a little out of hand. And fear creeps up every single damned night (of late). It takes me hrs from the time my head hits the pillows before I can fall aslp. It's starting to scare me how I have to try so hard to fall aslp; I don't enjoy lying awake.

Now, where do I begin..

I promised 2013 will be good. I am a fighter (but really, I am tired).

-

I have an incurable disease.

Peas.

And so I've been trying to lose 'em humps and bumps but boyyyy, nothing's working. Gym sesh, swim dips, hot yoga, cutting down on snacks and fried food isn't working its magic, at all. I think turning 22 has taken its toil on me. Being old(er) is no fun.

With Cny in just a couple of days, doomed is thee. Woe to me!

This baby is all grown up now and imo, she makes a fantabulous modz~ Now that we're talking abt modeling, this father of mine has been very shameless recently. He couldn't make it any more obvious of his desires to be back in the scene as well; so of cos he was more spontaneous than ever when I had to take casting shots. Lo' and behold, this lucky man landed himself his first shoot after his first casting! And can I add, they pay really well also. Can only dream of that pay cheque~

January.

Almost a whole month into 2013 and all's looking gd so far. Sometimes greed overtakes and I forget how blessed I actually am. 

Turning 22 feels like 32, I feel older in every way.. 

I gave up on late nights, crazy parties with binge drinking and drunken follies. I no longer want to dress crazy; with preference for classy instead. Beauty bumps are spilling from all the right places, even my jeans are getting a lil too snug for comfort. Other than the third point, I think everything else has been gr8!

And Hokkaido was a beauty xx

365.

IF like the Mayans said of the world to end on 21.12.2012, a very unhappy ghost she'll be. With not the slightest hint of accomplishment to name, 365 days would soon go by and be forgotten just as quickly.

Eventful, nonetheless. Lessons, and a few take-aways.

Take-away 1:
Vulnerability - She'd never show. (Her) weakness, no one will ever know, or at least she thinks so. Thinking acting tough would get her by, she fell. And hard did she fall. To get back up or rather, get back at, folly was all she played. She was high, she was fly. One too many mistakes, regrets in multiples.

So she's learnt, a little help would bid her well. Albeit the occasional uneasiness, all is swell. Even still, there is so much she hides within. Maybe 2013 (if we do get there) would have 'em spilled?

Take-away 2: 
Failures & Uncertainties - Aplenty this yr (and still figuring). So many challenges she stepped up to conquer, only to be hurled back down with no way out. They say with each door closed, you'll be one door closer to what has been destined. But with so many doors closed, her faith runs low.

This lil kitty was found soaked in a drain, too shaken to get out. We took him/her out to dry at a corner, meaning to bring papers and milk. When we got back, someone else had already cloth and a dish of water in its space.

"...Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:25-34

Not an easy task in a society like thine, but try she might.



Take-away 3:
Blood ties - The (almost) only real beings, I exaggerate a little (ok no, a lot). You don't hear proclamations of "I love yous", yet feel 'em oozing from every hair follicle. As much as it cracks the sister and I up each time you see the mother rushing to my side each time she hears a thud (I swear its the fastest you'd ever see her run), you really feel the worry and fear she carries with each stride. Each time I stand up to walk somewhere and then pause mid-steps in fear I'd faint in front of anybody and they go "See luh see luh, don't take your medicine". You know it's not the nagging at the tip of their tongues, the worry and concern is all I hear.

Away from their friends and families in Sg, these boys are all they've got before awkward small talks with potential friends in Ipoh (actually kids have it easier).





Not forgetting, I've my family in Christ to thank for so many reasons I cannot count. Clearly, I was quite a fool (still am I'd say).



All geared to start on a clean slate again, 2013 better come! Ha, I hope this burst of enthusiasm doesn't run as quickly as it came.

Anyhoos, I wonder if I'm bipolar. Terrible writing. Third person/first person??

Ref.

1) Spinning around unfamiliar spaces, bidding my boots farewell and an informal burial.

2) Watching my steps more than nature.

3) An excuse to dress. 

In a few hrs, I'll be scooting off to Ipoh, a second this yr. A little less excited than the first, or honestly, a lot less actually. Well, it's (just) different this round. 

*xfingersxtoes

XX.

Not the most yummerz chocxalmond croissant nor pecan pie, but definitely gd times over not-so-gd food. Could spend each raining day hideth in a quaint lil cafe, feasting, flipping mags, playing games on the iPad and squeezing that old flabby arm when we don't break the high score. And being sheltered right till the car door is closed behind me. A mother, and her love.

What else do I really need?
Nothing, in fact.

Yet, She wants more.